Life things + writing journey

I finally completed my first ever fanfiction / story! It’s the longest thing i’ve ever written - 74,000 words! I am so happy. I haven’t felt this fulfilled in a very long time.

If you’ve been following my work, you’d know that I work full time as an artist / designer. I’ve been doing this professionally for over a decade, and all my life as a hobbyist.

I’ve done so many collabs with brands, churned out so many artworks, participated in group shows and even held my first ever solo art exhibition. Ive had the chance to work with amazing talented creative individuals and brands, and I am thankful for so much support! Honestly I am blown away with the support - I wouldnt be able to do what I do full time WITHOUT it.

But the truth is, after years of doing this, I started getting restless. I just felt like I was a cog in a machine, day by day churning out art. I had to - because how would one pay bills without doing so? I felt a little stuck - forced to create art because if I didn’t then I wouldnt be able to financially sustain myself. And going back to a 9-5 was not an option for me. (Believe me, I even met with a psychiatrist and psychologist to discuss this) I am prone to depression. It’s been like that since forever. Something about going to the office, being stuck at a desk, at a cubicle or working for others, at the pace of others, suffocates me. KILLS MY SOUL. For the longest time, I tried my best to be happy at my 9-5 in Marketing and Branding. I know im not bad at it. I am good at my job, i know it now (I didnt know it then because I had low self confidence, but I know it now)However, I have learned that just because you’re good at something, doesn’t mean it’s what you should be doing.  

So, equipped with that mindset - I quit my Marketing career to pursue art full time. It was so hard in the beginning – I struggled so much. I was so broke. But I had no choice, it was either make this art thing happen, or be depressed at my 9-5. Desperation does wonders sometimes.

Somehow or another, I managed to pull through and stabilize. Little by little, my skills improved, and people started to notice my art. Then, I started getting commission and collaboration requests, then, invites to art shows. Finally, after a few years of grinding like mad, I could financially survive being an artist. I am comfortable now. Finally. That was about a decade ago. 

Come 2023/2024….I started feeling off again. The same kinda off I felt a few years before I finally had the guts to quit Marketing. It took a while but I soon realized that making art and designing was not gonna cut it for me anymore. It was so hard to accept this truth. I had built a whole ass identity around being an artist - and suddenly, I felt this way? When the truth dawned on me, I was depressed and frantic. Trying to find a way to make it work. I put in a few more years of experimenting to see if theres a way forward…if I could REJUVENATE this path again…to go back to feeling what I felt a few years back when I wa over the moon about making art.

Don’t get me wrong, i LOVE IT, I will never stop being an artist, I will never stop doing collaborations, and solo exhibitions –  I just need more. I need more because its just not enough anymore. Not enough for me to feel something in my soul when im doing it. 

I have accepted that im just that sort of person. Someone that needs to really love what they do in order to be able to do it. If I dont honor that part of myself and push myself, I will get depressed. A boomer would say “Oh get a grip. Its a job. Just do it” I HAVE. And it costed me yearssss of misery, depression and thousands in therapy fees. Ive stopped listening to ALL boomers since then cause I believe most of them are emotionally inept. In fact I stopped listening to anyone. I just started listening to myself. And my heart said “PIVOT” (actually Ross said pivot! and im just quoting him XD)

One random day a few months back, I was reading, as I always do.

The book was bad XD  So bad it took my entire mind and soul to force myself to read it.

I couldnt help myself but think - THIS BOOK GOT PUBLISHED?  WHYYYYY?

Then it dawned on me. If I think this book is bad, does that mean I could write better? The thought manifests in my mind. Ive been writing since I was a literal child, since my father got us a family computer and I spent hours churning out short stories inspired by Sweet Valley or Mallory Towers (with a touch of Enid Blyton and Roald Dahl magic) I was also obsessed with a childrens self publishing website called Nikolai.com, and I published a bazillion essays and stories there. Growing up ive written countless stories in my free time - but ive never published my works as an adult.

Up until @mirronotes came along. A little side project I started during Covid when I was too anxious to draw. I needed something quick, fun and dumb. That was the whole goal of that account. Then one day, I started publishing my short stories- unserious and completely unhinged Disney Fanfic. About all kinds of things, but mainly as a stab at our society and all its annoying failings - my ultimate fav subject.

I was so shocked to see some of the stories being shared thousands of times. At that point, I was happy if even 5 people read anything of mine - I never thought THOUSANDS would. 

And so mirronotes became my rant platform, where id just go ham and write about anything and everything. Fanfic, essays, rants, dumb quotes - everything. It is a place to express. More and more people started noticing that page, until it took over my art account! I was ecstatic! 

Fast forward to a few months ago, after that incident with the badly written book - I discovered Dramione (it was recommended to me by everyone on Booktok) Dramione is Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger fan fiction. If you’re new to fanfic / Harry Potter fanfic, you’d be like WTF GROSS. I know, I was very WTF as well. I hated Draco Malfoy in the books. I couldnt believe theres an entire fandom worshipping these two. LITTLE DID I KNOW.

When I started reading Dramione fanfic, my whole world changed. I discovered Post Wizarding War 2 stories, where the characters are now adults, working, trying to recover from the war…. And most importantly, I discovered REDEMPTION ARCS. I love a good redemption arc and Draco - of all characters, is the perfect character for a redemption arc.

I was blown away by how some of the writers told the story from their perspective, on what they think shouldve happened to Draco, or how Draco could’ve reacted. And I think thats when I properly started paying attention to storylines, plots, arcs and character dynamics (Ive always paid attention, but this time with a critical eye and note taking) I spent a few weeks doing a deep dive to all things Dramione, all things Fantasy and Romance, all things publishing. The research was for fun, just another fixation of mine.

But then the more I read, the more I researched, the more I looked back to my old unpublished stories that made me feel all giddy inside - the more I realized, I FREAKING LOVE WRITING STORIES.

In fact, I love it so much that I actually write way more than I draw. I write every day. I have to. It’s an urge. If I don’t I feel sick. I saw an interview of Brandon Sanderson (fantasy writer legend) and someone was praising him for writing 4k words a day. And im like Pfft, thats easy. Ive been doing that forever. Then I was like - wait a minute……

If I already write everyday for fun….. 

WHY……AM I NOT SERIOUS ABOUT IT?

Really, it took me awhile to make the connection. That this hobby of mine, which has been there for me since the dawn of time, is something I needed to pay attention to. The fact that my writing page had grown so fast in such a short period of time compared to my art page shouldve been the biggest sign. Yet I always saw it as just a hobby, not ever considering doing this seriously. 

But I know, I KNOW, deep down in my soul, that if I really wanted to, I could write a a whole ass book. I could even write a saga, a trilogy. If I researched and practice everyday, get myself an editor, and FOCUSED - id be able to write something worthwhile. At least worthwhile TO ME.

And so thats what I did. I started working on a Fantasy novel. Im still working on it. It’s a great story but soo soo hard to write. I have been bending over backwards trying to do justice to my story. If I pull it off, MAN IF I PULL IT OFF, its gonna be epic.

Which then led me down to writing Dramione. Short stories I could write to practice so that id feel more at ease and less intimidated writing my Trilogy (yes, its a trilogy). I gave myself a few prompts and a few themes to practice - so I could use these ideas in my fantasy novel.

Thats why ive decided to release fanfiction. To test out my theories, my writing abilities. I wanted to get feedback,I wanted to see if ANYONE EVEN CARED. And cared they did. I started getting messages at 3am from infuriated readers, begging me for the next chapter. I started getting messages from people ALL over the world, interested to know more about Malaysian Magical Lore. I started posting on all the fandom groups and from there I got more feedback.

I wouldnt say the fic is SPECTACULAR, or a masterpiece - that wasnt even my goal - my prompt was - write something from start to end, in linear progression, enemies to lover, malaysian magical lore, low stakes, with high interaction between FMC and MMC. Easy and whimsical prose. Whatever that comes naturally to me.Just setup, build up and execute the payoff. Thats it, thats all. Just write a simple story. Dont overthink, just do!

Ive learned a lot from writing this one fic.  i definitely have more confidence to write the next one. Which would be a much harder write. It will be a very emotionally charged fic, testing my abilities to write emotional, gut-wrenching scenes, and to experiment with non linear storylines. The next fic is ALL emotion. It will be called “Solcrux”.

The next fic after that is a Dark Academia adventure love story. It will have a lot of action and fantasy. A lot of lore. Rivals to lovers. War. Death. High stakes. I’ve written all the chapter outlines for this one and im so excited to write it. It will be called “The Prima-Occultar Guild” 

My last one is all drama and character dynamics. Multiple POVs. It wont just be Hermione and Draco. It’ll deal with heavy themes like PTSD, childhood trauma, abuse, good vs evil, suicide. I’m most nervous to write this one because it deals with such heavy themes, and I need to be absolutely careful about it. I’m still reworking the plot so this one will take a while. I still dont have a title for this fic yet. But I saved this for last because im hoping id be more confident to write it once I get here.

As for my fantasy novel…the chapters are all done. I just havent written it. I know once I find a good flow with my fics, itll be easier to write the novel. Good things take time.

Since I started seriously considering writing as the next focus of my creative career, I have felt like I've received a second lease on life. I feel happy every day to write something. I feel happy to practice. Even to watch a Youtube video to learn how to write something. Its been awhile since ive felt like that, and I know, BECAUSE of that, that im on the right track.

I think my biggest lesson in all this is HONORING myself, listening to the voice in my head, no matter how hard the truth must be to accept. Art wasn't doing it for me anymore, and accepting it was the first step into listening to myself. 

Something so simple as listening to oneself can actually be a hard thing for some people. A lot of people dont listen to their inner voice – they do what is expected of them, what is “trendy” what is safe. And im not saying its wrong to do that, because after all, we need to pay bills. what im saying is, is that its hard. Its easier to just follow the path laid out. Just settle in the box you’re in. Its much easier. You dont have to be a noob. You dont have to make mistakes. You’re safe. 

But at the same time, you're kinda depressed. Whether or not you admit it to yourself. Capitalism makes it hard for us to even admit this, because where do we go once we do? It's hard. Pivoting is hard. It was hard for me when I pivoted to art, and it will definitely be hard for me to pivot to writing. 

BUT, even if this writing thing doesn't work out, I know I've tried. And I enjoyed the process. Im not attached to the outcomes (well I am, but i could always go back to making art) Of course I want this to go somewhere. Im dying for it to go somehwere. But every day I remind myself - it’s always about the process. And thankfully, I wholeheartedly enjoy the process. Even if the writing sucks, I am enjoying writing the sucky writing. I know eventually ill figure it out. If not me, then my editor, hah! XD

Anyway, thats it from me. Thank you for reading!

Do read my first fanfic - Magic In The Tropics, or not. Really it doesnt matter. 

I just enjoyed writing it, being delulu and giggling to myself at 3am.

Long random rant for my new followers on IG & others who also wanna read 😂

Just a little fun back story abt me, since im in a story telling mood. the story is long, you so have been warned. Im just story dumping while procrastinating dont mind me 🥰

In malay language, we call this type of rant "membawang" which literally means Onion - or ONION-ning. In south east asia, women like to sit and prepare cooking ingredients together - like - peeling onions - and this is the kinda chat/rant/storytime women have when they membawang. Simply put, membawang = girltalk. Ok moving on.

I know that most of my new followers are from the US, UK and Singapore. I am from Malaysia but I have lived in the US and UK AND Singapore. I lived in Texas before my family moved back to Malaysia and I have lived in London and Singapore for studies as an adult. I feel like ive lived SO MANY LIVESSSS! even in Malaysia I have lived smack in the city, in a small town suburb AND a small village in Terengganu...all of these experiences have made me....

....The ultimate CODE SWITCHER!

I have had to assimilate into so many different cultures??!!!

WHO AM I I DONT EVEN KNOW!!

I am the amalgamation of all these places, cultures and experiencess!

It is not lost on me that it is a PRIVILEGE to be able to have lived these lives and have all this exposure. I am a lucky girl. I know it makes me a better artist and writer because I am able to understand cultural nuances and dynamics. I can "get it" cause ive literally been there and lived it. And I see all the universal themes and patterns in all these cultures. my goal is to hone my writing skills to the point anyone can resonate to the story and underlying emotions and experiences I try to convey. I want you to FEEL what I FEEL. or what my characters feel. I LIVE for this pay off 😂

To add a layer of "cultural nuance learning" - and just a fun tidbit of my own ~rOmAnce jOurNey~ since all ive been writing is romance and fantasy lol - In every place I have lived I have dated a local boyfriend too - another layer of cultural assimilation! One of the best ways to experience a country and its people is to DATE them 😂, and date them seriously, so you'd meet all their friends, their MOMS and families... and not just hang out with the international crowds. You speak the slang, you attend their cultural festivities, you become part of the community. Thats one of the ways you can truly understand a culture.

Ive never dated a British guy tho (im holding out for Draco Malfoy 😂😂😂) I have dated several Europeans, and some very seriously, and ive met their parents and all that jazz. I do love how they think and live life but of course its easy to be that way since they are from a rich country and their ancestors took from others!! none of my ex's were Japanese, Dutch, Portugese or British though so their ancestors did not colonize or invade me 😂 (but that one Austrian ex of mine is FREAKING HITLER in my eyes and he shall remain "hitler" to me forever)

But safe to say, I AINT NO POCAHONTAS JOHN SMITHS 🖕🏼🤣

actually if I end up dating a British Draco Malfoy - a literal Lord whos ancestors were prolly the OG colonizer - it would be the ultimate enemies to lovers because I will surely bring up colonization in every argument 😂😂

"YOU DO THE MOPPING CAUSE U MADE MY PEOPLE PLOW OUR LANDS FOR SPICE THAT YOU DONT EVEN USE!!"

And

"HOW DARE YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO WANNA WIN THIS ARGUMENT WHEN YOUR PEOPLE COLONIZED MY PEOPLE FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS AND GAVE US A HARD TIME TO BE AN INDEPENDENT COUNTRY!!!!" 😂 (then ill quote all the political agreements we learned in history class! shit im so hermione HAHAHAHA)

Itll be an interestng dynamic, 100% ill do it for the writing material 🤣

I also think some of these guys have preconceived notions of what they THINK is south east asian culture and asian women, and so when they date me theyre SHOOK - I never hold back in pointing shit out. They are exhausted. Probably for the best we broke up 😂 someone needs to point it out and educate them, might as well be me ☺️

I cant believe I thought I was gonna marry any of them. I wouldve killed them if they didnt kill me first 🤣

Moving on, I also thought I was gonna marry my Singaporean ex bf, which didnt happen because our goals and lifestyles didnt align. But I learned SO MUCH abt SG culture through him seh 🤭 I really thought I knew Singapore being from Johor and all, but I was wrong. Singaporeans and Malaysians are VERY DIFFERENT. The values, the way we think, the way we navigate life. Its not the same. Malaysians, we are soooo freaking chill. TOO chill. We are a very very laidback chill culture. Malaysians are your fav flip flops from the night market with the  worn down sole and Singaporeans are the limited edition hypebeast sneakers with matching clean white socks. Thats my analogy. Both great but for different purposes 😂

Then theres my US dating experience - tho I dont think my kindergarten boyfriend counts 😂😂😂 - But Read wherever you are, hi dear, you were the first supporter of my art. I still remember the cowboy drawing I drew that you loved (omg so freaking texas yalls) that Mathew shit on. Now I realize he was probably jealous because I made it for you. We were in a love triangle and we didnt even know it!!!! This was probably the start of my romance journey 😂

Read was the first guy I gifted my art and he was sooo happy to have received it - mind you - being the main character that I am - I presented it to him while a bunch of my classmates were there. I think he felt so honored that HE got it. My teacher Miss Mario then asked me to draw a cowgirl so she could put it up on the feature wall. And so I drew a cowgirl to match Read's cowboy. Its amazing how much I remember this moment in my life. It was my goodbye present to Read because it was my last day at school and I wanted him to remember me and our "rELaTiOnsHip" forever 🥲 OMG IM SUCH A HOPELESS ROMANTIC SINCE I WAS LIKE 5 😂😂😂HAHAHA

I also had another boyfriend in that school called Danny, who was like the cutest guy in school according to me (yes ive been delulu since forever 😂) Danny's mom did not like that Danny was friends with me because I was Muslim and changed his class so we cant be too close. She was the Ultimate Karen! My first foray into microaggressions and racism in the US. Anyway, whatever danny and dannys mom BOOOOOOO.

Read, on the other hand, his family welcomed me with open hands, especially his Granpa who was our class Santa and I asked for A BARBIE DREAM HOUSE 😆. I experienced my first Christmas, Thanksgiving, 4th of July and my first Halloween (I was a witch - duh. I was Elphaba) I got to experience the "american life" in the suburbs of USA. We lived there because my father was an engineer for Esso, and there were so many Malaysians in Houston then, and my house became the go-to "Malaysian house" So many malaysians (including uni students) came over to my hse to eat and for Eid. I still remember our FEAST. Malaysians - all we do is EAT wherever we are 😂 People came to my house for our "Sambal Belacan" because of course they would. Sambal belacan is "chili jam" to quote James Oliver 😆

Gosh I could go on and on. These were really sweet memories of the US and my childhood.... then when I moved back to Malaysia, all I remember was bullying and anxiety (the beginning of my villain origin story of why I became a gangster lady - I needed to fend for myself 😂)There was a time I was considered a melayu celup kid  (third culture kid) who just got back from the US and I was very american and people hated that. I didnt know how to speak malay very well and my parents put me in a predominantly malay (luar bandar / rural) school. the trauma, the culture shock, istg!!! Tapi takpelah lepas tu sis boleh cakap melayu terrer gila takde masalah dan kembali ke pangkal jalan "takkan melayu hilang di dunia" TAK HILANG ADA JER WEIII TAK PAYAH LA NAK KACANG LUPAKAN KULIT BAGAI AKU INGAT JE SEMUA KULIT SEBAB MEMANG AKU KENE KUPAS SATU SATU PON SIAL LAA PUAS HATI?!? Evidently, the trauma remains 😂 If you dont understand that its ok, its meant for my bullies who hated me for being different.

Anyway, my point is, I do enjoy cultural nuances and understanding dynamics... I love code switching... all these bf experiences just gave me more material for life and my romance novels. So Thank you boys you served me well. AND I WIN!! MUAHAHAHA (nak gak menang its ok they all know my style 😂)

(intermission)

just got a sudden idea to write a fic where all my ex boyfriends and situationaships end up in a magical Island where they have to unpack their traumas together in order to escape 🫨🤯🤣 I can already predict whats gona happen and whos gonna be besties and whos gonna be enemies 😌 Everyones gonna hate Hitler. Hitler is gonna hate everyone. Singaporean boy and ultimate Malaysian boy are gonna be besties, I can already see them setting up camp. The Singaporean boy will lead because he went to NS (National Service), was a platoon sergeant and had to develop leadership skills 🤣 The very many Malaysian guys would not get along with each other. Theres one celebrity too, but he'll probably be besties with Singaporean & Malaysian too - cause "underneath all the glitz and glamour" he's just a "boy next door" (oooh juicy who is this celeb you ask??? i toldju ive lived many lives😂) The rest of the International crowd.... shit ive no idea how theyre gonna be like in a group setting considering their cultural backgrounds and personalities. It would be... mildly awkward 🤣 Spanish guy, Kiwi guy, Brazilian guy - theyll hang together since they have the same job tho Kiwi guy would hang with the SG/MY camp cause they all have the same hobbies and would be so excited to set up camp. They would think it was a holiday 😆 I can imagine them sharing stories about me and be like "haih our girl miriam tsk tsk" 😂 Theres even a Jew whos literally gone on a birthright trip to Palestine (this rship happened before the whole ordeal fyi) I now call him ISRAEL. Israel and Hitler would be friends and work together. Theyll think theyre better than everyone else and be so freaking annoying. I also have two very jealous possesive Malaysian ex's who'll have the capabilities to see right through them and punch them both in the face for me if I asked them to🤣 They would gladly as they have waited all their lives to punch any ex of mine HAH 🤣 Brazillian guy and Spanish guy would def try to stop them because they are such "lovers not fighters" And everyones probably gonna get a whole lecture from Spanish guy because he's all about "DOING WHATS RIGHT" Which would piss Hitler off cause HE wants to be the RIGHTEST OF THEM ALL! Which would then annoy Israel cause HE's also right, CAUSE HE IS THE WOKEST OF EM ALL! While all of this is happening, my SG / MY / Kiwi camp be laughing at the side while building a campfire and happily making tools from stone and wood, teaching each other their bushcraft knowledge and calling each other "bro" and "dude" 🤣 I wont even be surprised that theyll start working out together and teach each other martial arts as a "bonding experience" 🤣 and oh, dear me! almost forgot abt my middle eastern phase, as I had a whole Iranian moment. Theyd all prolly hang out together except one of em who'll be doing martial arts with the other boys. He'll probably be like

🫷🏼🙂‍↔️🫸🏼 Boys excuse me IM LITERALLY the ultimate fighting champion and I can kick everyones ASS (I just dont believe in climate change thats why Miriam ghosted me 🤣) Ok but no I believe he is a humble guy he probably wont tell anyone his capabilities unless provoked 😂

One of the iranians will also hate everybody cause he's so uBeR cOoL and "mAteRial cOnsCious"..he'll be building his very own shelter using sustainable materials inspired by Brutalist and wabi sabi architecture. He'll sneer at everyone else's "postmodern exploration of entropy, where form follows... nOtHiNg" 🤣 Insufferable twat he was. But i bet you his shelter would look amazing and could be featured in AD 🤣

Ahhhhh my boyzzzzz so many boyssss. all kinds of boyssss.

and what a wonderful fic idea !😆 I gotta say, imagining them in these situations makes me appreciate all of them even more. I did care abt them with all my heart and they cared abt me too. It just didnt work out. Timing, values, distance, goals all played a part on why we broke up. LIFE IS LIFE. I have no hard feelings, I just have.... STORIES!!! HAHAHAH.

I dated them all in my 20s because I was missing a brain and because I was a dumb hopeless romantic gurlie "looking for the one"  - and  guess what - I already found the one!!! It was me. I am she. I AM THE ONE I WAS LOOKING FOR ALL ALONG!!!!🤯🤯🤯 Dont get me wrong, I am still a hopeless romantic gurlie, but I just grew a brain. Its important to have a brain especially if you love romance.  Its tough out here 😂😭

nowadays I dont plan to move anywhere or put in much effort in rships, so my next boyfriend needs to sprout from the ground in front of my house! because he is a magical being and also because he is Lord Draco Malfoy with a mansion no less, AND a former bad boy (optional of course 😂). Other than the usual, smart, kind, funny etc etc, he also needs to be tall and strong and be able to carry me to safety. I may be an independent woman gangsta lady, but in a rship I am a princess baby 👶🏻 👸🏻 My exes can vouch for that as they have all had to princess me, some against their will 😆 I do like feeling safe tho, that is probably why many of exes are into martial arts and have extensive bushcraft knowledge. I am a doomsday prepper after all 😂

For more context, I am also the oldest child with abandonment issues - if that explains anything at all abt my dire princess needs 😂 Anyway, my requirements for my future partner is like 3 pages long which ive saved in a pdf and shared in my gurlie group chat. I even included AI generated pics of how id like him to look like 😂 A story for another time, a good story no less.

Anyway, thats it from me, what a rant, too many ideas.

back to working (booooooo) bye

The Three Phases of Me

Lately, I’ve been reflecting on my life in distinct phases: Adventure, Understanding, and Feeling. As a child, I was drawn into books of adventure and fantasy, longing for the day I could break free from the shackles of primary school tuition. I imagined myself wandering through magical forests, living in an abandoned boxcar with fairies. My imagination was heavily influenced by authors like Enid Blyton, Roald Dahl, and eventually J.K. Rowling. Real life felt incredibly boring—growing up in rural Selangor with nothing but empty fields and deserted roads. I invented my own adventure games, exploring abandoned houses, streams, and lakes (daring now that I think about it). I climbed trees, wishing I had a tree house like the ones in American movies. I desperately wanted to experience magic. I devoured every book I could get my hands on, hoping for a magical portal to appear in my closet and lead me to Narnia. But that day never came. The magical life I created in my head never materialized, and slowly, I stopped caring. I grew up.

By my early 20s, I was confused and perplexed by the world. Adventure and fantasy seemed trivial in the face of reality. Death, destruction, war, injustice—these were the things that plagued my mind. How are humans so unkind? How is it possible that people get away with war? Why do people hate more than they love? Isn’t love and peace what everyone strives for? I immersed myself in non-fiction, seeking answers in political theory, philosophy, psychology, sociology, religion, science—anything that could help me understand. I went through the worst existential crisis of my life, desperately trying to make sense of the world. Huge life challenges pushed me further, forcing me to confront the truth, hoping I could find a perspective that acknowledged these unpleasant realities but still gave me peace.

Somehow, miraculously, I got there. It took reading countless bestsellers in every category and journaling religiously every day. Then, suddenly, non-fiction didn’t inspire me anymore. The books started repeating themselves, regurgitating the same ideas in different ways, and I became bored. I no longer needed to understand. I’d made peace with injustice and human nature. I even thought, “Maybe my love for reading was just a phase,” and pivoted to TV shows and series for that quick dopamine hit. It worked for a while, but TV could only satisfy my eyes, not my soul.

Then I entered my next phase: Feeling. I picked up fiction again—specifically, fantasy—and everything changed in an instant. After years of the worst reading slump, my love for books came back with a vengeance. I devoured fantasy novels, downloading one after another, reading back-to-back at every spare moment. These books made me feel again. They opened the floodgates to emotions I’d kept locked away while I was busy "intellectualizing" life in my 20s. It was like opening Pandora’s box. Through these stories, I found a way to explore and process complex emotions—love, hate, anguish, jealousy, desire—using fictional characters as vessels for my own healing and understanding.

I’m still in this phase, happily exploring life through these stories, crying with them, laughing with them—feeling more through fictional characters than I ever could with real people. Fantasy books have become a safe space for me, a place to explore difficult emotions without having to confront them in real life (not that I’d want to—I try to keep my real life as drama-free as possible). As a child, I cared most about the plot in these stories—What happens next? Where are we going? Now, as an adult, I care more about the why. Why did they do that? Why do they feel this way? It’s amazing to see how much I’ve grown and to be able to reflect on this journey.

I wonder, what would my next phase be?

If I had to guess, it would be "Expression".