I finally completed my first ever fanfiction / story! It’s the longest thing i’ve ever written - 74,000 words! I am so happy. I haven’t felt this fulfilled in a very long time.
If you’ve been following my work, you’d know that I work full time as an artist / designer. I’ve been doing this professionally for over a decade, and all my life as a hobbyist.
I’ve done so many collabs with brands, churned out so many artworks, participated in group shows and even held my first ever solo art exhibition. Ive had the chance to work with amazing talented creative individuals and brands, and I am thankful for so much support! Honestly I am blown away with the support - I wouldnt be able to do what I do full time WITHOUT it.
But the truth is, after years of doing this, I started getting restless. I just felt like I was a cog in a machine, day by day churning out art. I had to - because how would one pay bills without doing so? I felt a little stuck - forced to create art because if I didn’t then I wouldnt be able to financially sustain myself. And going back to a 9-5 was not an option for me. (Believe me, I even met with a psychiatrist and psychologist to discuss this) I am prone to depression. It’s been like that since forever. Something about going to the office, being stuck at a desk, at a cubicle or working for others, at the pace of others, suffocates me. KILLS MY SOUL. For the longest time, I tried my best to be happy at my 9-5 in Marketing and Branding. I know im not bad at it. I am good at my job, i know it now (I didnt know it then because I had low self confidence, but I know it now)However, I have learned that just because you’re good at something, doesn’t mean it’s what you should be doing.
So, equipped with that mindset - I quit my Marketing career to pursue art full time. It was so hard in the beginning – I struggled so much. I was so broke. But I had no choice, it was either make this art thing happen, or be depressed at my 9-5. Desperation does wonders sometimes.
Somehow or another, I managed to pull through and stabilize. Little by little, my skills improved, and people started to notice my art. Then, I started getting commission and collaboration requests, then, invites to art shows. Finally, after a few years of grinding like mad, I could financially survive being an artist. I am comfortable now. Finally. That was about a decade ago.
Come 2023/2024….I started feeling off again. The same kinda off I felt a few years before I finally had the guts to quit Marketing. It took a while but I soon realized that making art and designing was not gonna cut it for me anymore. It was so hard to accept this truth. I had built a whole ass identity around being an artist - and suddenly, I felt this way? When the truth dawned on me, I was depressed and frantic. Trying to find a way to make it work. I put in a few more years of experimenting to see if theres a way forward…if I could REJUVENATE this path again…to go back to feeling what I felt a few years back when I wa over the moon about making art.
Don’t get me wrong, i LOVE IT, I will never stop being an artist, I will never stop doing collaborations, and solo exhibitions – I just need more. I need more because its just not enough anymore. Not enough for me to feel something in my soul when im doing it.
I have accepted that im just that sort of person. Someone that needs to really love what they do in order to be able to do it. If I dont honor that part of myself and push myself, I will get depressed. A boomer would say “Oh get a grip. Its a job. Just do it” I HAVE. And it costed me yearssss of misery, depression and thousands in therapy fees. Ive stopped listening to ALL boomers since then cause I believe most of them are emotionally inept. In fact I stopped listening to anyone. I just started listening to myself. And my heart said “PIVOT” (actually Ross said pivot! and im just quoting him XD)
One random day a few months back, I was reading, as I always do.
The book was bad XD So bad it took my entire mind and soul to force myself to read it.
I couldnt help myself but think - THIS BOOK GOT PUBLISHED? WHYYYYY?
Then it dawned on me. If I think this book is bad, does that mean I could write better? The thought manifests in my mind. Ive been writing since I was a literal child, since my father got us a family computer and I spent hours churning out short stories inspired by Sweet Valley or Mallory Towers (with a touch of Enid Blyton and Roald Dahl magic) I was also obsessed with a childrens self publishing website called Nikolai.com, and I published a bazillion essays and stories there. Growing up ive written countless stories in my free time - but ive never published my works as an adult.
Up until @mirronotes came along. A little side project I started during Covid when I was too anxious to draw. I needed something quick, fun and dumb. That was the whole goal of that account. Then one day, I started publishing my short stories- unserious and completely unhinged Disney Fanfic. About all kinds of things, but mainly as a stab at our society and all its annoying failings - my ultimate fav subject.
I was so shocked to see some of the stories being shared thousands of times. At that point, I was happy if even 5 people read anything of mine - I never thought THOUSANDS would.
And so mirronotes became my rant platform, where id just go ham and write about anything and everything. Fanfic, essays, rants, dumb quotes - everything. It is a place to express. More and more people started noticing that page, until it took over my art account! I was ecstatic!
Fast forward to a few months ago, after that incident with the badly written book - I discovered Dramione (it was recommended to me by everyone on Booktok) Dramione is Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger fan fiction. If you’re new to fanfic / Harry Potter fanfic, you’d be like WTF GROSS. I know, I was very WTF as well. I hated Draco Malfoy in the books. I couldnt believe theres an entire fandom worshipping these two. LITTLE DID I KNOW.
When I started reading Dramione fanfic, my whole world changed. I discovered Post Wizarding War 2 stories, where the characters are now adults, working, trying to recover from the war…. And most importantly, I discovered REDEMPTION ARCS. I love a good redemption arc and Draco - of all characters, is the perfect character for a redemption arc.
I was blown away by how some of the writers told the story from their perspective, on what they think shouldve happened to Draco, or how Draco could’ve reacted. And I think thats when I properly started paying attention to storylines, plots, arcs and character dynamics (Ive always paid attention, but this time with a critical eye and note taking) I spent a few weeks doing a deep dive to all things Dramione, all things Fantasy and Romance, all things publishing. The research was for fun, just another fixation of mine.
But then the more I read, the more I researched, the more I looked back to my old unpublished stories that made me feel all giddy inside - the more I realized, I FREAKING LOVE WRITING STORIES.
In fact, I love it so much that I actually write way more than I draw. I write every day. I have to. It’s an urge. If I don’t I feel sick. I saw an interview of Brandon Sanderson (fantasy writer legend) and someone was praising him for writing 4k words a day. And im like Pfft, thats easy. Ive been doing that forever. Then I was like - wait a minute……
If I already write everyday for fun…..
WHY……AM I NOT SERIOUS ABOUT IT?
Really, it took me awhile to make the connection. That this hobby of mine, which has been there for me since the dawn of time, is something I needed to pay attention to. The fact that my writing page had grown so fast in such a short period of time compared to my art page shouldve been the biggest sign. Yet I always saw it as just a hobby, not ever considering doing this seriously.
But I know, I KNOW, deep down in my soul, that if I really wanted to, I could write a a whole ass book. I could even write a saga, a trilogy. If I researched and practice everyday, get myself an editor, and FOCUSED - id be able to write something worthwhile. At least worthwhile TO ME.
And so thats what I did. I started working on a Fantasy novel. Im still working on it. It’s a great story but soo soo hard to write. I have been bending over backwards trying to do justice to my story. If I pull it off, MAN IF I PULL IT OFF, its gonna be epic.
Which then led me down to writing Dramione. Short stories I could write to practice so that id feel more at ease and less intimidated writing my Trilogy (yes, its a trilogy). I gave myself a few prompts and a few themes to practice - so I could use these ideas in my fantasy novel.
Thats why ive decided to release fanfiction. To test out my theories, my writing abilities. I wanted to get feedback,I wanted to see if ANYONE EVEN CARED. And cared they did. I started getting messages at 3am from infuriated readers, begging me for the next chapter. I started getting messages from people ALL over the world, interested to know more about Malaysian Magical Lore. I started posting on all the fandom groups and from there I got more feedback.
I wouldnt say the fic is SPECTACULAR, or a masterpiece - that wasnt even my goal - my prompt was - write something from start to end, in linear progression, enemies to lover, malaysian magical lore, low stakes, with high interaction between FMC and MMC. Easy and whimsical prose. Whatever that comes naturally to me.Just setup, build up and execute the payoff. Thats it, thats all. Just write a simple story. Dont overthink, just do!
Ive learned a lot from writing this one fic. i definitely have more confidence to write the next one. Which would be a much harder write. It will be a very emotionally charged fic, testing my abilities to write emotional, gut-wrenching scenes, and to experiment with non linear storylines. The next fic is ALL emotion. It will be called “Solcrux”.
The next fic after that is a Dark Academia adventure love story. It will have a lot of action and fantasy. A lot of lore. Rivals to lovers. War. Death. High stakes. I’ve written all the chapter outlines for this one and im so excited to write it. It will be called “The Prima-Occultar Guild”
My last one is all drama and character dynamics. Multiple POVs. It wont just be Hermione and Draco. It’ll deal with heavy themes like PTSD, childhood trauma, abuse, good vs evil, suicide. I’m most nervous to write this one because it deals with such heavy themes, and I need to be absolutely careful about it. I’m still reworking the plot so this one will take a while. I still dont have a title for this fic yet. But I saved this for last because im hoping id be more confident to write it once I get here.
As for my fantasy novel…the chapters are all done. I just havent written it. I know once I find a good flow with my fics, itll be easier to write the novel. Good things take time.
Since I started seriously considering writing as the next focus of my creative career, I have felt like I've received a second lease on life. I feel happy every day to write something. I feel happy to practice. Even to watch a Youtube video to learn how to write something. Its been awhile since ive felt like that, and I know, BECAUSE of that, that im on the right track.
I think my biggest lesson in all this is HONORING myself, listening to the voice in my head, no matter how hard the truth must be to accept. Art wasn't doing it for me anymore, and accepting it was the first step into listening to myself.
Something so simple as listening to oneself can actually be a hard thing for some people. A lot of people dont listen to their inner voice – they do what is expected of them, what is “trendy” what is safe. And im not saying its wrong to do that, because after all, we need to pay bills. what im saying is, is that its hard. Its easier to just follow the path laid out. Just settle in the box you’re in. Its much easier. You dont have to be a noob. You dont have to make mistakes. You’re safe.
But at the same time, you're kinda depressed. Whether or not you admit it to yourself. Capitalism makes it hard for us to even admit this, because where do we go once we do? It's hard. Pivoting is hard. It was hard for me when I pivoted to art, and it will definitely be hard for me to pivot to writing.
BUT, even if this writing thing doesn't work out, I know I've tried. And I enjoyed the process. Im not attached to the outcomes (well I am, but i could always go back to making art) Of course I want this to go somewhere. Im dying for it to go somehwere. But every day I remind myself - it’s always about the process. And thankfully, I wholeheartedly enjoy the process. Even if the writing sucks, I am enjoying writing the sucky writing. I know eventually ill figure it out. If not me, then my editor, hah! XD
Anyway, thats it from me. Thank you for reading!
Do read my first fanfic - Magic In The Tropics, or not. Really it doesnt matter.
I just enjoyed writing it, being delulu and giggling to myself at 3am.
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